My dad went on morphine today.

I haven't blogged about this, at least not lately, but my father is dying. He's in end stage renal failure complicated by the fact that his circulatory system is shutting down. Right now, he's hospitalized a little over an hour from where I live, but he and my mother are making plans to return to their home to make their way through what remains.

We really don't know how much time remains. It could be days. It could be weeks.

The circulatory problems have resulted in a lack of bloodflow to his extremities, which means that his feet, lower legs and other parts of his body are becoming gangrenous. And gangrene is extremely painful. The doctors tell us a time may come soon when his entire existence is pain. Unending pain. Screaming pain.

He's completely bedridden. He'd be completely helpless if not for the constant attention of my mother, who doesn't leave his side except for minutes at a time.

Due to the renal failure, he currently undergoes dialysis three times a week. It seems to be becoming less effective with each treatment though. To continue dialysis if my parents go home is going to require ambulance transport.

He could choose to discontinue the dialysis, knowing that it would lead, in a matter of days, to death. And this may be a way, at some near point, for him to escape the pain.

I live in interesting times. I move from detached stoicism to deep depression to confusion many times each day. I find myself looking for distraction, pushing emotions deep within so I can function. And I slowly find myself making peace with his imminent disappearance from my life.

It's an odd thing to wish for your parent to die soon because you've seen their quality of life diminish to a point from which you can see no possible return. I realize that many other people have gone through this same thing. I'm not unique.

But it's hard...